I seem to have left my pride at pride
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
