Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He did a backflip because drugs
ok first of all what the fuck
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
