We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
