You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
