does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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