Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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