oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
