shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
