I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
