Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I understand Curling. That high.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
