There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i out mim tonsoeep
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