Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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