This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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