im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
