He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
