theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
