Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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