How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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