i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
