Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
