Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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