I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
