so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
