I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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