mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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