Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
