Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
