Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
