I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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