I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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