It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
