Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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