If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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