is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
