im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
