I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
