census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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