Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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