I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
