end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
