i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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