i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
