I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
