just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
