I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need a beard to bite.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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