Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
