One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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