Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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