ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
