pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
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I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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