I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
