life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
my liver is dry heaving
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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