I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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