that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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