Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
