My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
