im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
