she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
