Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
