A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
