dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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