you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
