Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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