At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
