dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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